Texas Chili Cookoff

Texas Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language)
Internet | Somewhere in the past | Unknown Texan

Posted on October 10, 2001 11:27:12 PM EDT by Sen Jack S. Fogbound

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

A tribute to Zahra

The world we live in is in a fallen state, where there are acts of evil that many of us never see or experience. Most of us spend our time in our own little worlds, ducking and weaving our way through life. We don't spend enough time getting to know those around us because we are so afraid of what they might see. We don't want to get involved in "situations" because we are "busy" with our own stuff. And then when these such events arise, we are appalled that things like this could happen so close to us. I did not know the Bakers, and I do not know if I would have ever met them, or if we would have or ever have crossed paths. But like so many others, in hindsight I wish there was something I could have done.

One can't help but be almost consumed by the media coverage of this alleged crime. Its everywhere. I was not aware that Christie Rd is amazing close to my house, as evidenced by the helicopters that circled overhead day after day over the past 3-4 weeks. A constant reminder of what seems to be a heinous crime against a little girl. It does seem that this little girl's life was ended way too early. It seems that children who knew her are seeing a reality that very few adults can understand or hope to explain. It was difficult hearing my 9 and 10 year old soccer players talk about such a deep and unexplainable series of events that involved one of their classmates. Explanations are needed, and very hard to come by.

I do however believe that God can use any situation to His good. I do believe that there are certain things that God chooses not to control, such as your free will. He gives us a choice to love Him or ignore Him and He never pushes His way into our lives. Some love Him back, others do not and they are sometimes consumed by the evil of this world. As hard as it is to accept it, God chooses not to step in and physically protect the victims and innocent children sometimes suffer here on this earth. I do believe that He protects their souls and welcomes them into His arms when their lives here are over.

It is fitting that on 11/16/2010, what would have been Zahra's 11th birthday, the weather here is cool, overcast, and rainy. The weather seems to reflect the mood of those who have been following the case. I hope that whatever happened to her is brought to light, and that those responsible are prosecuted to the highest extent of the law. But I also hope that those responsible seek forgiveness from God. He offers them the same amount of mercy, grace, and forgiveness He offers us. And what He offers is unmeasurable.

And though I did not know her and I may have never met her, from what I understand from those who did, she was full of life even though her body had been ravaged by cancer. Her spirit was strong and now her fight is over. Rest well Zahra, in the arms of the Father.

troubled heart being repaired

There is a gigantic bare spot right in the middle of my heart that I think God has started to cultivate and care for. It has been burned, and kind of reminds me of what the forest looks like after a huge forest fire. And I can sense that He is healing it, with His love and His time. I want everyone to experience that healing. And I want to see people like God views his creation. He loves us. He wants us to love him back. But He does something that we are not quite capable of mastering, and that is love without expecting anything in return. He gives us the burden/responsibility/privilege of free will. Basically, He loves us without attachments. It is our choice to love Him is return or to do our own thing. And His love never wavers. His love doesn't change because His word says He is Love. He won't love us less if we screw up or love us more when we "do good".

And to see people, many of whom are unloveable (include me in that), with that kind of love is truly allowing Christ to live through us. I really want to see people that way. It is very hard for me because i am selfish. But it is very damaging to God not to do so. As Christ-followers, we are the representative of God and His love, grace and mercy. The "GOOD NEWS" is not a message of you being damned, condemned, sin-filled, blah blah blah. The message is that you can be set free from your past. You can be at peace with yourself, your past, and your God. You go from the enemy camp to God's dinner table as family. What a contrast! You are free to live life. You are free to love people and you are free to love God and have a personal relationship with Him, through His son, Jesus.

Life is empty without that freedom. The love of God can fill you up and set you free. And the love of God is the only thing that can fill that void in your heart. And once its filled, I believe God starts to work on that patch. He takes the rubble of a life that we do our best to build on and He transforms that into something greater than we could ever do on our own. He wants to build something great. Do you want to be free to let Him do that?

The journey

What if what we have always been taught is not accurate? I feel as if there is more to life than I have been taught. Life does not equal cleaning house, basketball practice, sprinkle in church and sleep, and viola, LIFE. Life is about relationships.

Its about having people to share those things with. Its about having people that you can lean on. Its about occasionally being the crutch. Life is about laughing, crying, throwing things, doing things you sometimes regret, apologizing when you're wrong, showing grace when you're right, and above all, having people in your life to take on this journey with you. If your job gets in the way of forming these types of relationships, change jobs. If like me, church gets in the way of this type of community, then step back and readjust your priorities.

If you have no shoulder to cry on, no ear to listen, no one to jump with when you experience joy, then your journey is just beginning. Look for those who need you, find those who will let you need them, and hang on, fight for the privilege of community. Community is messy and it is hard and it is sometimes painful, but when you find it, when you really have "it" with someone in your life, you will never be the same. Only then can you and I understand what Jesus meant by having life to the fullest ability. I want my life to be about community. My journey has just begun. How about yours?

Its interesting what God can do in our lives despite our efforts to thwart His will. Why do we sometimes struggle to find the surface? God sets in front of us what we need to follow him, kind of similar to using road signs to get direction. but today, I just don't feel like reading those signs. Stupid, yes, but also common. Why do God's "people" continually make life harder than it should be? My heart is again completely ripped open. I am not a depressed person, usually, but this is different. I empathize with those individuals who suffer from chronic depression. It really sucks. why do we as "Christians" take so much and give so little? Why do we trash those around us to make ourselves look good? Why do we take advantage of people really seeking God's will? Why does God allow this to happen? I KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS!! I just seem to enjoy asking them so I can wallow in self pity for a while. Great rambling. Great journaling. Great release to the great cloud. I want to find Jesus, and I mean FIND him. As a church-goer, I have a lot of head knowledge, but not much heart knowledge. I KNOW I belong to Him, but I feel like the prodigal son, at the bottom of the pig pen. My Father is out there somewhere, I just need to find the way home. I just get so tired of the game. Church really does focus on our filling roles to keep the machine alive and Christ, in many ways, is nowhere to be found. Enough! of the game and comments for today.

Thoughts for May 6th, 2009:

1) Ministry is hard when God lets you run ahead of Him.  

2) Prayer really is the basis of finding God's will for our lives.

3) Churches without direction suck to be a part of

4) What will happen when we yield to God all of our agendas and get in behind His desires for us?

5) Revelation from God can be seen through the blindfolds that the god of this world puts on our eyes.

6) God has the patience to allow us to figure out we can't do anything without Him.  He's got nothing but time.  

7) Why is it so easy to fall into that trap???

Enough for today

Fast forward

I have not blogged since my initial post on July of 2008. Man, a lot has changed

However, My attitude has not changed. Church was never meant to be cumbersome and exhausting. It was meant to share the gospel of Christ with the world; Uninhibited, unbiased, with clarity, authority, and power that we only find in Christ. The gospel is easy to hear and easy to accept as truth, but man it stings from time to time. When is the last time we gave our shirt to someone who needed it? When is the last time we offered a cup of coffee and an ear to someone who just needed a friend? Its been a while for me.

All around us people are hurting. All around us people are looking for healing, authentic spiritual healing. In my recent trip to India, I had to reflect on the differences in culture. India has severe poverty and extreme wealth. In the impoverished areas, the people have something that many of us do not: Community. They live together, cry together, celebrate together, play cricket together, mourn together, eat together, and do many other things together, in community. We have stuff that's supposed to make us happy. I think we miss out on community because of our wealth. So who is poorer? That is the question that I am stuck with.